Sunset

I think I've learned what a sunset looks like

It's something that has to fade

No matter how hard you try to keep it.

The hardest thing I've had to do

Is let you fade away

But unlike the sun

I know you can't come back tomorrow morning

In spite of all my crying,

It has to be night

For me

Indefinitely

I know I have memories

Of how brightly you shone in my life

But I'm afraid one day they will fade

And I won't even have the memories with me

But hopefully

For now

I will remember you

My sun, my world...

I'll be ok
It will pass...
I will smile again
I just need a few days
To recover
From this relapse
I just need to cry
A few more tears now
I know
You understand.
There are happy days
Usually
But there are also
Days of longing
Moments of trying hard
To forget
Moments of wanting
To see you again.
So today
I am not well
I see you when
I close my eyes
That's why I can't
Get out of bed.

Sometimes I think about you.
I remember your gentle manner,
The assertiveness you use
when you talk about things you are passionate about,
...and I miss you.
There are so many things I miss,
And so many ways I miss them,
I don't even know how to understand it all.

It is timeless, this love,
I forget about the wrinkles under my eyes for a minute.
And I am young,
lost in time
--And you are my friend again.

Half of a song for mom

You lived life free
You taught me
How to laugh, to cry
How to walk, to fly.
Wish my love
Was strong enough
To bring you back to me
I need you to be near
‘Cuz it’s dark here
And I am alone,
It’s dark here
Chorus:
And Shadows dance
On the ceiling
I confess
What I’m feeling
I look down
at my heart
I’m afraid
It’s not healing
Then you come
Like an Angel
Erase my night
You’re my star
You’re my star
You’re so far
You are so bright

May 19, 2001

Mother

I miss you...
Can't be near you
Can't say what I need to.
Wish time, money, distance
Didn't matter
Wish I could hold you
Forever after
Dear Mother,
Dear Friend,
Don't know how,
Don't know when,
I will see you again.

(written for moms birthday, i had 2 little kids & not enough money to travel to visit her, it may have been when she was first feeing sick with cancer the first time & wasn't diagnosed yet.)

The night

Come & visit me tonight
While I'm asleep
While all the world is too.
Come & talk to me tonight
Fill my heart
So in need of you.
My soul will awake
And I will kiss you
But my heart will break
And I will miss you
When the sun comes up.
Come & stay with me tonight
Be my dream
And hold me close to you
And in the morning when I wake
I will long for night again,
To be with you

Feb 4, '05

Old poem --Dec10, 2005

I brace myself
I shut my eyes halfway
My heart's still soft
I cannot look your way
Or I will fall again
I will be reduced to tears
I won't recover for
At least a few more years
I saw you anyway
Tho' my thoughts told me no
I am so brave
(At least I think so)
You are so beautiful
You are so genuine
You are not forgotten,
But you are not mine.

It's so hard to see you
To be so close, yet so far
I'm learning how it feels to watch you from a distance,
To see you happy
To let you be,
To find my place in your new life. (nowhere)
It's hard to know
I'm thinking of you so much
But you are not thinking,
Not remembering what we once had.
It's hard when we can't even talk
When I have to leave without saying goodbye
Because even those simple things are too complicated now.
It's hard to wake up in the early morning
And not know what to do but cry.
It's frustrating that I can't do anything
That I have to let you think
I don't still love you.
To smile when I want to cry
To not tell you anything.
Summer 2007