May 19, 2001

Mother

I miss you...
Can't be near you
Can't say what I need to.
Wish time, money, distance
Didn't matter
Wish I could hold you
Forever after
Dear Mother,
Dear Friend,
Don't know how,
Don't know when,
I will see you again.

(written for moms birthday, i had 2 little kids & not enough money to travel to visit her, it may have been when she was first feeing sick with cancer the first time & wasn't diagnosed yet.)

The night

Come & visit me tonight
While I'm asleep
While all the world is too.
Come & talk to me tonight
Fill my heart
So in need of you.
My soul will awake
And I will kiss you
But my heart will break
And I will miss you
When the sun comes up.
Come & stay with me tonight
Be my dream
And hold me close to you
And in the morning when I wake
I will long for night again,
To be with you

Feb 4, '05

Old poem --Dec10, 2005

I brace myself
I shut my eyes halfway
My heart's still soft
I cannot look your way
Or I will fall again
I will be reduced to tears
I won't recover for
At least a few more years
I saw you anyway
Tho' my thoughts told me no
I am so brave
(At least I think so)
You are so beautiful
You are so genuine
You are not forgotten,
But you are not mine.

It's so hard to see you
To be so close, yet so far
I'm learning how it feels to watch you from a distance,
To see you happy
To let you be,
To find my place in your new life. (nowhere)
It's hard to know
I'm thinking of you so much
But you are not thinking,
Not remembering what we once had.
It's hard when we can't even talk
When I have to leave without saying goodbye
Because even those simple things are too complicated now.
It's hard to wake up in the early morning
And not know what to do but cry.
It's frustrating that I can't do anything
That I have to let you think
I don't still love you.
To smile when I want to cry
To not tell you anything.
Summer 2007