Sunset

I think I've learned what a sunset looks like

It's something that has to fade

No matter how hard you try to keep it.

The hardest thing I've had to do

Is let you fade away

But unlike the sun

I know you can't come back tomorrow morning

In spite of all my crying,

It has to be night

For me

Indefinitely

I know I have memories

Of how brightly you shone in my life

But I'm afraid one day they will fade

And I won't even have the memories with me

But hopefully

For now

I will remember you

My sun, my world...

I'll be ok
It will pass...
I will smile again
I just need a few days
To recover
From this relapse
I just need to cry
A few more tears now
I know
You understand.
There are happy days
Usually
But there are also
Days of longing
Moments of trying hard
To forget
Moments of wanting
To see you again.
So today
I am not well
I see you when
I close my eyes
That's why I can't
Get out of bed.

Sometimes I think about you.
I remember your gentle manner,
The assertiveness you use
when you talk about things you are passionate about,
...and I miss you.
There are so many things I miss,
And so many ways I miss them,
I don't even know how to understand it all.

It is timeless, this love,
I forget about the wrinkles under my eyes for a minute.
And I am young,
lost in time
--And you are my friend again.

Half of a song for mom

You lived life free
You taught me
How to laugh, to cry
How to walk, to fly.
Wish my love
Was strong enough
To bring you back to me
I need you to be near
‘Cuz it’s dark here
And I am alone,
It’s dark here
Chorus:
And Shadows dance
On the ceiling
I confess
What I’m feeling
I look down
at my heart
I’m afraid
It’s not healing
Then you come
Like an Angel
Erase my night
You’re my star
You’re my star
You’re so far
You are so bright

May 19, 2001

Mother

I miss you...
Can't be near you
Can't say what I need to.
Wish time, money, distance
Didn't matter
Wish I could hold you
Forever after
Dear Mother,
Dear Friend,
Don't know how,
Don't know when,
I will see you again.

(written for moms birthday, i had 2 little kids & not enough money to travel to visit her, it may have been when she was first feeing sick with cancer the first time & wasn't diagnosed yet.)

The night

Come & visit me tonight
While I'm asleep
While all the world is too.
Come & talk to me tonight
Fill my heart
So in need of you.
My soul will awake
And I will kiss you
But my heart will break
And I will miss you
When the sun comes up.
Come & stay with me tonight
Be my dream
And hold me close to you
And in the morning when I wake
I will long for night again,
To be with you

Feb 4, '05

Old poem --Dec10, 2005

I brace myself
I shut my eyes halfway
My heart's still soft
I cannot look your way
Or I will fall again
I will be reduced to tears
I won't recover for
At least a few more years
I saw you anyway
Tho' my thoughts told me no
I am so brave
(At least I think so)
You are so beautiful
You are so genuine
You are not forgotten,
But you are not mine.

It's so hard to see you
To be so close, yet so far
I'm learning how it feels to watch you from a distance,
To see you happy
To let you be,
To find my place in your new life. (nowhere)
It's hard to know
I'm thinking of you so much
But you are not thinking,
Not remembering what we once had.
It's hard when we can't even talk
When I have to leave without saying goodbye
Because even those simple things are too complicated now.
It's hard to wake up in the early morning
And not know what to do but cry.
It's frustrating that I can't do anything
That I have to let you think
I don't still love you.
To smile when I want to cry
To not tell you anything.
Summer 2007

Still...
Crying nights
Drifting through days
Trying to understand
Trying to let it go

Still...
Talking to walls
Expressing thoughts
That are not heard
Because walls aren't you.

Still...
In pieces
Trying to connect myself
Trying to be complete
Without my best friend

Still...
Looking for doors
Or open windows
That let me touch you
Saving words to say

Still...
Missing you
summer 2007

She is the sunrise
She is the reason for the tears in my eyes,
The smile on my face.
She fills every empty space.
She is my place of origin
She is my home
The softest but strongest person I’ve known.
She is beautiful
There are no words,
Only love, only hope
Only broken hearts trying to cope.
She is everything
There is no other
She is our mother.

Release

Release me
Release me
Let me go
Just say it strong
"I want you gone".
Do it for me
If you ever cared at all.
Don't let me come back to missing you.
I wish to be free
Can you do that for me?
Is there anything you can do
To push me away & let me stay away?
Release me.

lowness

I feel so small
Underneath it all
Underneath my smile
And bright eyes
I disguise a need
I need you.

I am so tired
I can't make anyone happy
Anymore.
Not even myself
And I am alone,
So far from Home.
I need you.

I crumble down
I hit the ground
I just lie there
Unable to get up.
I can't get out of all this mess
And my distress
I can't admit I'm unhappy
I need you.

What do I do?
I'm torn in two
And trapped in a life I do not want
But I can't undo.
I have no power
And I'm a coward.
I need you.

Where is the sign that I need?
I look in your eyes but I cannot read.
Where are the words that I crave?
Where is the answer to the question I gave?

What are you hiding from me?
Are you afraid to love completely?
Am I too damaged for you to come near?
Tell me all the things that you fear.

You are kind but then, you pull away
I can never tell if your love will stay.
Is this the way love always goes?
Am I strong enough to stand the blows?

I wish you would stop & help me in this
I am alone in the pain & the bliss.
I wish you would open your soul
Waiting for you has taken it's toll.

Wanting you has weakened my mind,
Longing has slowed me, I fall behind.
Why do you make me impatient for you?
I need you to tell me what to do.

I need you to hold me for as long as you want
I feel that your touch has the power to haunt
I should be bolting away at the thought
But you render me powerless, so I cannot.

You are still a deep mystery to me
There are so many things I wish I could see
And so much of your mind I'm longing to know
Do you love me, or wish I would go?

blah.....zzzzzzzzzzz

There's something about the rain when it falls,
It seems to give my heart permission to cry.
I miss you today, but I'll blame it on the weather or on the fact that I'm so tired.
I can't cope at all.
I can't remember being this tired --ever. My head is gonna burst. I have found the true meaning of the word "head-ache".